Without even seeing a single frame of this film it’s likely that you’ll already be aware of how little incentive there is to watch it due its sincerely poor quality, and though normally I would say don’t judge something until you watch it, there are certain exceptions which are just undeniably shit. I was willing to give this one a chance, and I’m not sorry I did but it is one of the most unnecessary and wasteful films of 2015. Tackling a nonsense story of a cleaner that is Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) who discovers that she actually is part of a royal line that stretches throughout the universe and the other members aren’t too pleased about her existence. The warrior/canine hybrid Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) is sent to protect Jupiter against Balem Abrasax and his minions (Eddie Redmayne). The rest of the film does not get any less nonsensical than that.
You can’t fault the principal cast for taking the chance to work on a blockbuster film with the Wachowskis, it just didn’t work out very well for them. The story itself makes some sense and even has a not ridiculous arc and direction, there’s a few glimmers of hope but it too often takes a tangent to be honestly coherent and interesting. A good example being that of our main villain in the form of Redmayne disappearing for a large portion of the film, which completely denies him the strength of presence that would be possible (that and his terrible raspy voice), and this is last years Oscar winner but then we all have off days. The whole cast act as though they’ve realised the same thing, that this just doesn’t really do anyone any justice, these are not their best performances. The only real redeeming factor is Sean Bean as Stinger Apini, who despite being more of a secondary character, is the only one that seems to really give it a go and make the most of it.
The entire film feels as though its a giant pot, into which ideas have been through, some good and some bad and then the film has been made without any cuts. The jumbled and ridiculous themes of the film actually have their merits individually but they don’t work when thrown together with little rhyme or reason. I was surprised to find it more watchable than I had previously assumed, but the truth is once the film is over you’re left with the sense of “What was that?”, and not in a good way; it’s a rather empty 2 hours.